It feels like I’m dying slowly. I really fucked up this time, I was going to try and sell all of my chems to make up for the shards that I lost but this past week… I just don’t even know what happened to me. I left the house after breaking the barricade I put up at the door and ran for it. I owed the woman rent, after I splurged too. She yelled and ran after me until I left the town boundaries. She stood there cursing me as I turned around and flipped her off. My father used to do that whenever something like this happened to us. They never run after wastelanders, they’re so afraid of us. For every time we fight for our lives and come out on top, is everytime we looked into the eyes of our opponent and brutally take their life as though we were the god of death.
My body has been reacting big time, and it’s only been a couple hours since I last took a hit. I decided that I’m going to have to do something or have to seek the bandits out on my own in order to obtain some shards. My hands are shaking so badly that everything is taking much longer than I thought. There is nothing I can really do, but lay here for the next seven days. I would expect plenty more entries seeing that I’m broke and can only make off by robbing or pick pocketing those who happen to venture by. There is no use in trying to make friends here.
There never will be.
The need to sleep has been diminished. I don’t have a thing to do as I can feel my body fighting itself, my skin starting to burn, wishing I could peel it off as I groan in agony, and then my extremities start to grow stiff and cold. I placed my frozen hands on my face and let the heat transfer, giving me less than a moment of peace. My stomach burned as it ran on empty, but I wasn’t hungry. I started to wretch but I couldn’t manage to expel anything other than my own saliva. I don’t know why I go through this each time, I wait long enough for my body to get rid of it but there is never a way of my mind getting rid of the want. I want it more than I want to hurt other people. I want it more than anything I could ever think of. I want it more than I want my father to be alive.
Usually I don’t really care for people, but I guess it was just the first time I ever became acquainted to one ever since I started living out here all alone. I mean I could stay at a city and remember how it felt to be a part of something bigger than myself. I still don’t approve of most of the towns that believe in the 13 Gods of the Wasted World. Wasted, as some would say is how I spend my free time (when I’m not worrying about my possessions or anything that I surprisingly worked long enough to get). I don’t like the word. I prefer that I was gone, or fully stimulated. They help me more than people would think. You would think that the propaganda would die out with the “governments” and the “Advertisement” companies, as my dad used to say. They got into your mind through your senses, and they turned you into what they wanted you to be. Shit happens.
I came across this town where I knew they had good things for sale. I found a place to stay. I might as well foster people skills while I’m at it. It’s been a terrible couple of days. So first I need to unwind.
I saw a kid today, reminded me of me like how I was alone around that age. The only difference (which is a pretty major difference) was that he wouldn’t shut up, so I told him to fuck off with my gun. I’m not in the mood for anybody. I don’t know why I would ever sink so low as to just accept another person into my life without them proving that they can handle it. I’m just angry. I don’t even want to write.
I was alone. I woke up this morning to a note craved in the ground next to where I slept. I don’t care, I only care if I’m the one that’s getting hurt. I still can’t figure out what I did wrong, my heart feels heavy in a way it never did before. I actually don’t know how to articulate my feelings. But I guess it’s for the better. I was better off alone.
The next major town that I came across was so empty. There were houses, but nobody to live in them. All the doors were left wide open, waiting for their owners to come.
But nobody wanted them.
The wind was picking up as I was making my way through the Wasteland, and I came across this nice guy. He didn’t seem like an immediate threat, he actually wasn’t a threat at all. I was still very cautious about what I said about myself. I don’t think I told him a complete truth, nor have I told him a lie. He was pretty talkative, he told me how he was roaming around looking for something to do after his father had died from radiation sickness after nearly drowning in a pool of water in a cave down near the coast. No big deal he told me, so I took it as no big deal. I really wished that I was enough of a jerk to make a joke about his father but I guess not having some company for a while made me a bit docile? Does it really make any sense? Any ways the kid got on my nerves, he asked about my family and I told him that I couldn’t remember. You and I both know that family is a weird story for me, and I wasn’t ready to confine all of my deepest darkest secrets to a stranger. I didn’t even like the kid. He could tell. Hell, Kelger Helgen could tell (that blind and deaf woman my dad always said was a terrible driver… I don’t get why it was so funny). Anyways. I feel really weird while writing this because even though I don’t like this kid… there’s something about him that makes me want to smile.
It was hard to find a place where the both of us could stay. Each place was either too small or too obvious. I wasn’t the only one that was paranoid when it came down to resting during the night. I insisted that I take guard while he slept. He proposed the opposite idea. I really don’t want to sleep when there’s somebody here because I don’t want him to take my stuff and run. But if he does we all know I’m going to kill him after I painstakingly hunt him down. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do. I really need the sleep because I swear I might just pass out if I don’t. But he’s sitting off in a corner holding onto his belongings with his dear life. Can anybody help this kid into at least trying to trust me? My dad told me about stories from the pre-rad era where some people would be trained to trust whenever they wanted. He said it was the Governments way of keeping the people quiet, and they did it through forms of media like the radio and television. I think the rest of the night might be spent just staring at each other from across the room. I wish he would talk more, because this silence is deafening.
I waited for him to break the silence. Eventually he did. He told me about his life. He told me about his family. He told me about how he was left alone. About how he always wanted to get close to people. About how every person he met has failed him.
That was when I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I got up and sat next to him. I promised that I wouldn’t fail him. But he better be ready to deal with somebody who works better alone. I got a mixed response from him. I don’t know what it means; I don’t even know what I meant to say. In all honesty, I am tired. And since he fell asleep before I have, I can finally let my guard down as if I were alone. I don’t know if I want to do this all alone or with a person that just poured his whole heart out to me. I want to just curl up and rest. It’s what I need to do. I can worry about him tomorrow. If he doesn’t fail me.
I didn’t sleep all night because the snow never stopped. I was really careful to not get any in my eyes, and in the end took shelter behind a wall as the snow fell in radioactive flakes. This night had brung me in need of Rad-X.
I came across this building that looked like it hadn’t been harmed by the nuclear blast, like it’s only enemy was time. I grabbed the metal pipe that I kept on my belt and walked up to the door. I grabbed the handle and turned it, but it wouldn’t budge a single bit. I didn’t want to take any chance so I slowly backed up and started to walk away. Then I heard a couple of locks being slammed open, I looked back and saw a small kid running out to me with a big smile yelling tag after he pushed me. I took this as an invitation to go inside. This building must’ve been a large school at one point because I saw banners for sports championships dating to the pre-rad era.
I can’t say I was welcomed with open arms, there were a lot of people who wouldn’t stop staring at me, but maybe that’s because most of the things that I carry are weapons to keep myself safe out in the wasteland. The kids loved me though, they bought there own toys and asked for training. They each gave me 12 or 13 shards as I gave them pointers. Some people helped me out and got me some free things from vendors that were selling essentials. One of the guys who they called the “mayor of academic Everett” talked to me to figure how long I was staying. I planned only one night, and would be gone by tomorrow; if the snow let up. He showed me to my bed and shook my hand before he left.
“Take care of yourself, the snow is still radioactive” and left before I realized that he left me with Rad Away pills. They were large and red and were made to take away 500 rads. These cost a fortune out in the wasteland so I put them safe inside my shards pouch. I stayed up most of the night making sure that everybody was asleep and no one was awake to steal my stuff. I allowed myself only a couple of hours of sleep and went outside to check if the atmosphere was clear. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, nor was there any snow on the ground. I quickly took my stuff and grabbed the blanket they provided me with and cleaned out all the unlocked chests of their shards. Then I made a run for it. I’ve made it to a large city which I think might be the ruins of New York City. I’ve been searching around looking for a building that’s still somewhat upright. I figured that if I got a place that was higher above ground the goons and criminals that walk through the city wouldn’t get to me while I was vulnerable in my sleep.
Instead I shacked up in this basement underneath a Chinese grocery, or at least that’s what I think. There was already a cot there, honestly, I don’t care if it’s dirty any more. I don’t care if somebody died there, my standards for a place to stay for the night has gone down. I think I’m lucky if I can find a place that is actually considered shelter. Anyways, this place is stacked with matches and oil, but I don’t want to waste any more of it to write in this journal. Until next time.
I found this journal off of a corpse today. I hope I don’t lose this one like I did my last. It’s really cold today, I am in desperate need to find shelter. Right now I’m going to keep walking after I write this in order to keep myself warm. I’m low on shards. I only have a handful left. Its not close to enough to get by.