I knew it. I fucking knew there was something else in the silence. I shrugged it all off as a buzz but it isn’t. They’re actually speaking and they speak words that soothe and maim my soul at the same time. The shadows waited before until it was silent, but with each passing moment they grow impatient, trespassing into my own thoughts. I thought whatever is inside my head was mine, but not anymore. The only place they can’t invade is here.
With time, no place remains safe forever.
11-8-3192
11-7-3192
I’ve been losing track of the days. I haven’t been able to distinguish between day and night and I grow more and more restless. There are times where I start to wonder whether leaving them behind was a bad idea, the chaos meter is now hitting higher than ever without them. Maybe I could spend some time looking for more and more of those bitches from last week, deal the right kind of justice to those delusional enough to think they’re the defenders. Delusional Defenders.
Maybe I could start a different club or something, and destroy the weak. The mission statement will be “Eradicate the weak” or maybe something else. I’d love complete and utter decimation of pricks.
The weather has only gotten worse, my fingers can barely hold onto my gun and knife anymore. Every time they begin to warm up it’s as though a hundred thousand tiny splices of glass pierce through my skin from the inside out and it hurts.
The pain doesn’t stop.
The faces I’ve seen in the past couple of days… I don’t even think they were completely human. There were no features, well there was but it was all smudged up. Something was on their face, but it took a while until I realized it was actually their face. I couldn’t tell if they had eyes or not, but all they did was cry. Instead of tears falling they resonated emptiness. Like emptiness was all they ever were. All it ever would be.
It’s been harder and harder to find a place to stay.
I wonder what it’s like to be a butcher, but sometimes I feel like I already am.
11-1-3192
The people that ambushed me, I don’t know. I don’t know what to say or what to think about it other than be angry at myself for letting it happen. I shouldn’t have taken everything I owned, I was still fucked up on bads during the comedown for the goods, the dreamer and the screamer combination ran half way through the night, I dosed up on that at least three times more often than the others. My mind was dazed, my actions were dazed, I couldn’t move efficiently. I staggered everywhere and eventually found myself flat on my back with the sun prying my eyes open. I should’ve gotten up then, I should have gotten up and ran as far as I could. But I just pulled my goggles over my eyes before I passed out.
I woke up to the sound of their voices. They circled around me like vultures. I immediately throttle with rage, how did I let myself into this position? If I didn’t have that nagging need to feel it… I thought it would take care of it once and for all, but it keeps on leaving me.
Just like everything else.
These self righteous pricks, thinking that they can soon become the law of the land. What land were they hoping to bring order and peace to? There’s nothing left, nothing worth anything. It’s all trash, sickly humans, incompetent beings. I doubt there’s anybody that understands the world like I do. Understands reality.
They asked me, “Do you know what you’ve done?” I looked up at them through the lenses of my goggles, I’ve done nothing wrong. I remained silent and just looked at them with a smirk on my face, these poor delusional kids. Judging by their voices they were no older than nineteen, the youngest one approximately a sixteen year old girl, shook in her boots. “Get up!”
Taking my time I leisurely got up with only one question to ask, “What?” I sighed, eyeing the eldest two.
“Don’t act like you don’t know.” The oldest male, shoved the barrel of his gun into my face.
“No, seriously. Is this your way of rebelling against mommy and daddy or what?” I was extremely disinterested at this point, wondering how exactly I was going to get away and take an unsatisfying nap while the chems completely wear out and hide from these little punks. I had an idea, but I didn’t really like it.
“You better watch your fuckin’ mouth.”
“Yeah, okay. Here’s what, I’ll watch my mouth if you put that gun in your mouth and,” I did the motion with my hand and then pulled the trigger, playfully falling back on the ground pretending to have been dead, “Do us all a favor.” I said popping back up. “Because I know a scared little baby when I see one. There are, what, five of you? And one of me, if you really wanted to scare anybody it would be much easier if you pumped the shotgun. Hell I might’ve even looked as freaked out as the little girl.” I pointed to the sixteen year-old. Looks like it’s her first trip trying to catch the bad people. Hell, they all looked like rookies.
I groaned, I’m too tired to deal with these kids. They’re mediocre and disgustingly stupid. What to do, what to do. I got up onto my feet with my hands in the air telling them all to calm down.
That was when I killed all of them.
10-30-3192
Well I had an interesting past couple of days, and by interesting, I mean fun. And by fun I meant nothing too eventful to write about. Remember that last job I got, the one that paid really good and had me set for a very long time? Well I just spent the last of the fruits of my labor cleaning out the next chem seller that I passed by and finding myself a nice abandoned shack tucked in a corner hidden in the shadows. The place had two rooms. The main one was empty, a ragged mattress and a tattered blanket or two, a bucket, handful of rags, spread out in the middle of the floor and the other one was a bathroom with a dirty broken everything. Well there was one thing that was actually not too bad, and that was the bathtub. I think people might have actually slept in here or something.
I normally would space everything out, so that the highs would last longer or it would all just be one nice ride of ups and downs. But I took four at a time. I took the goods and the bads together, and then the dreamer and the screamer in one needle.
I think I might have died at one point.
Though I can’t exactly remember.
It was still a blast.
10-19-3192
Swift set up camp about a mile or two from a town, I watched him struggle to light the fire that wasn’t catching before turning my back on him. I pulled my heavy bag over my shoulder and began walking to town.
For the first time in weeks he yelled out to me, “Dollface, where are you going?” I cringed when I heard him call out for me, a cocktail of rage, disgust, and a variety of chems I downed bubbled underneath the surface. How dare he speak to me. I didn’t stop, I didn’t look back. I ignored his cries out, ignored it multiple times until he gave up. I already feel better now that I’m alone. I don’t have to clog my mind with the thoughts of others now.
It’s liberating and I felt relaxed for the first time in a long time. I began to wonder why I thought travelling with somebody in the first place. Did I see a sad bandit who trembled as he withdrew from the drugs he killed his friends for or did I see a helpless person who would idolize me from saving him from his ways. I took him under my wing, I gave him a friend and a pet.
He can keep the damn pet.
Maybe when I’m ready I’ll find Greg, maybe I’ll find somebody who I trusted with all of heart to tell me that everything is alright. But not now.
10-18-3192
Things haven’t gotten better, those who I travel with are still upset, they’re still mourning over the child and it’s been some time.At least I think I’m feeling better, but I guess nobody really cares. I mean, why should they? Swift hasn’t talked to me ever since he buried the corpse and left a branch from a bush on top of the grave for some strange, odd reason. Rabies and Swift didn’t budge until they put him to rest, I figured it would be handy to cut some meat or a body part off in case we get into some kind of altercation between a rabid pack of those ugly mutated creatures that could make one sick.
I was close to leaving them behind. I think I’ll figure out what to do based on what happens tonight. I’ll see what I do.
10-7-3192
The weather doesn’t get any better. Neither do the people. They still won’t speak to me.
I won’t speak to them.
10-3-3192
I killed the kid today. The nameless kid who had nothing else. The one in rags I ended up taking in. I don’t know what my reasoning was for even bringing him along, but it doesn’t matter. Did it ever matter?
He was a good laugh but when it came down to it, he couldn’t pull his own weight. He proved to be strong and stubborn, but still he wasn’t making the cut anymore. I haven’t killed a kid in such a long time, you don’t understand how great I felt afterwards. Swift and Rabies are giving me the silent treatment, everything was going fine they were all happy and shit and then bang. All of a sudden they don’t even want to look at me.
It doesn’t matter, they’ll let me know when they aren’t angry anymore.
They don’t understand that I was doing him a favor.
The weather has been getting worse, it’s pretty cold in the mornings but then it gets fucking hot in the afternoon. It actually makes me want to rest a little, maybe for a couple of days.
Yeah. A couple of days sounds good.
